Let’s have a lunch and learn!
I heard “rightsizing” for the first time last year.
I have no idea what knucklehead PR dumbass came up with that but it made the following layoffs even more unpalatable.
The only time I hear rightsizing is for cloud resources. I’ve never heard of it in human resources. That sucks.
“Tribal knowledge.”
- image: We, clan. Together, strong.
- reality: Ask Tommy if he remembers how to reset the printer
Though, I actually like this one. It’s a pretty cool phrase you can use anywhere.
This is normally called “institutional knowledge” which is definitely a real thing, I don’t think it’s a marketing or HR buzzword. Though, a lot of the time it somewhat trivial things those things do add up. Institutional knowledge around things like how to deal with a finicky piece of specialized hardware, or what are the right words to convince your bosses boss to pay for you to go to a conference are pretty helpful. If you have an older “individual contributor” in your company that has been there for a while and hasn’t climbed the ladder, they might be a gold mine for that kinda info (they could also just be an ass)
wow I was not expecting to find something worthwhile in here but I will definitely be using that lol
Referring to people, staff as resources. Nice and dehumanizing.
An old line manager referred to me as a resource in front of me once. I should have told her to fuck off.
I’ve heard “human capital” before. The soulless fucks make others a commodity by stripping the mere mention of their existance of its humanity.
“Department / Corporate Retreat”
As in, “we’re holding our annual corporate retreat next Wednesday! It’ll be offsite, you’re all required to be there, and we’ll be spending the day having a 6 hour meeting about absolutely nothing, just like we do every year. But dont worry, when we’re done we’ll play a game no one wants to play, or do a craft no one wants to do, but everyone will pretend they enjoy it because if they don’t, they’re not ‘team players.’”
This year, our day-long-nothing-meeting was about how management is working to secure everyone’s jobs despite budget cuts, and we have nothing to worry about. Then we took a personality quiz that said I was a character from Stranger Things. Then the next day, they told me I’m getting laid off and have 3 months left at the company.
Fucking RETREATS are so relaxing.
“No”
Anything they use to replace the word “layoffs”.
MVP - as in “minimum viable product”
More commonly known as the slop of a product or solution that’s being slinged to all the markets early on without adequate documentation, support, usability, scalability, standards or security.
“Corner the market” also deserves a disgusting mention.
Can we “just double click on that” for a second?
shudders
What would a linux user say for this?
“Can we just dot slash that then chmod plus x that semicolon dot slash that for a second”
There are many but I find “let’s double-click on that” particularly grating
‘contextual knowledge’
this gem was put forward in all seriousness when the data didn’t support the claims in the report: “it’s not in the numbers, but we have a pretty good sense that this is true”
That they treat you like “family”
Collaboration. I have never worked at a single company that wanted people talking or collaborating on the work floor, or even when sharing a cubicle, let alone listen to any suggestion us peons had to offer. They keep using it as an excuse for RTO.
Please socialise the requirement throughout your teams
“We’re family”
Unrelated but I only recently realised that when someone says they believe in family values it means they want to impose their definition of “family” on everyone else.
From an employer I guess when they refer to family they’re really referring to a bond beyond work, which basically means they’re expecting more from you than you’re paid for?
Touch base
Actionable. Ugh.
This one works in my company. If you have a ticket with no actionable items (you can’t do anything to improve it or it is complete), then you use that lack of actionable items to make a timer to close it, or pressure the team you’re waiting on.
